dear Ms. Peirano,

My husband and I have adopted two children (siblings) from the chaotic conditions in Bangladesh. The two are now all grown up: 23 (Young) and 21 (girl). The children were at Adoption 3 and 1. Both kids are crazy problematic. In the case of our son’s ADHD was found, he has taken care of in the school for many conflicts with teachers and classmates, not to the rules to be kept and at the end with trouble and Emergency, primary school completion, managed.

He takes drugs. Marijuana regularly, harder drugs, but how much exactly, I can not estimate. There have been thefts and even small dips. After school, he has held no teaching. He works at the gas station, as a courier driver, doorman, etc.

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love

My Partner not to have Sex with me – only with yourself

want to. It was an extremely hard time with him, we constantly had Worries and problems with him It was actually nothing relaxed.

Our daughter has at least managed a secondary school diploma. But it is since the 14th century. The age of the mentally ill, suffers from pain all over the body and depression. A suicide attempt, she has also been behind what has taken us very much. She was then three months in psychiatry. Your hairdresser teaching, she has managed and been taken over. But your friend does not like my husband and me at all. He is very aggressive and makes on thick trousers, is tattooed on the entire body, and treated our daughter condescending.

I hate to say it, but my husband and I often ask ourselves, whether it was the right decision, to adopt children, and which from abroad. We had hoped to be a real family. But actually, our children are foreign to us and burden us. We are constantly on the verge of Burn-Outs, I often wish that I think finally am, and my rest due for retirement. I was because of the stress with the children more often to the Spa. When I look at the children of our friends, grabs me sadness and sometimes even envy. The children of our friends have decent jobs (most academic), have a stable life with nice partners, some of them already own children, and you get on well with their parents. My husband and I have a very strained relationship with our children and are not happy, if you a while log in time and not be in trouble.

of Course, I also have understanding for our children and I see the difficulties you get in the cradle. But I also see our unfulfilled expectations and shattered dreams, and can’t do but, I’m sorry to.

And if I take a look into the future, it’s also quite dark, because the grandchildren of our children will certainly have many problems. We will, therefore, be a life-long demanded and back get very little.

I wanted to share them so that other parents approach to blue-eyed to an Adoption. But I also wanted to be able to how we deal with our disappointment questions.

Many greetings, Ingrid P.

love Ingrid P.,

It has definitely taken a lot of courage and Overcoming, and to admit that their dream of a cure family with children who go happily your way, and with whom you get on well, burst.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? the please Write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). the fact that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on published.

do you have any children who were born in a difficult Situation and, probably, hard first years of life behind. You are charged for all of us, and these pressures Express themselves in a variety of symptoms: substance abuse, depression, suicidal actions, school difficulties, ADHD, and many other things.

So you have to say that, most likely, also in the case of your children, many dreams are not shattered because they had some Basis, what would you have used, above all, the feeling to be welcome and to have parents who lovingly care for their own needs. You know, that this is, in particular, in the first three years of life incredibly important.

your children have been born into a family in which there is chaotic and the parents, for whatever reason, it managed to have wanted to pull big and protect. This Knowledge, not to be wanted, and to not have any parents had the master of your life, is a hard blow for the self-esteem of children. Even if it’s only subliminally or unconsciously, it affects you greatly on your Position in life. Because your children will not be able to be on their own origin of pride, since their own parents were firmly in the life.

of course, another factor is that children who are adopted from a different culture and look different than your environment, it is harder to identify with the host parents. The contact to the own parents would be as determined to be helpful to both sides integrate in (the first parents, the origin, genetics) and second parents (the family in which one grows up) to. Many adopted children, it helps to travel at least the country of origin and to get to know. But of course, not without risks, because may be people may not recognize a in Bangladesh, because you speak the language and the culture does not know, while the people in Germany see you as someone from Bangladesh. It is not really easy the Whole.

your children are quite young, in a completely different environment. Often children come to adoptive to privileged parents, be it in terms of financial Situation, education or success. It sounds as if this is the case for you. The claims of adoptive children (if not always openly expressed) can be a lot of pressure and sometimes guilt. Your children will also feel that you keep up with the children of your friends could also the feelings of our own worthlessness reinforced. And your son has expressed, rather, in an aggressive direction (also against themselves), while her daughter became depressed. Overall, their children seem to have as many adopted children, a serious identity problem. You feel torn.

It is tragic that they could not apparently keep their children from this fate, even though you’ve gone to such lengths. But consider this: Not only adoptive parents but also birth parents often do not have the children they want. Sometimes, a child is the problem child, sometimes more, whether it’s behavior due to addiction, mental or physical illnesses, political views, school failure or aggression. It is for parents hard to accept that you have, in spite of all efforts, always have the Power to protect their children and to bring them to the “right” way.

How would you process this grief process once again consciously through life and, for example, in a therapy of your disappointment? Perhaps conversations with other parents whose children have not developed as help, as you have requested it? And, of course, conversations with your man, the feels is probably similar. It is one thing to allow these feelings and to process them. Another thing is to consider where realistic limits are that you can drag to your children or not should, in order to work out.

I hope that you succeed in your children closer together and to find peace with the Situation.

Warm regards, Julia Peirano


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