dear Ms. Peirano,

I’m with my Partner (27) since one and a half years together and for four months we live in our first apartment together. My friend is really a good person I can trust 100 percent, and we are actually very happy together. However, there is the following Problem: He has little interest in Sex. He snuggles very much, but in the case of Sex, I have the feeling that he has no desire for it. I have to push myself always, if I want to sleep with him. Most of the time he encouraged me with phrases such as: “We’ll do it tomorrow, okay?”

I would hope that he comes to me and shows me that he really wants me, desired me and Lust for me. We sleep most of the time only every 1 – 2 weeks and then only because the Initiative comes from me, and he can be stubborn “pampering” myself to down. The Bad thing is for me, but that I hear often is “” that it creates almost on a daily basis, if I’m already in the evening in bed and sleep (or in the morning when I’m already at work), in the living room a Hand. Although we have snuggled the hours before that together on the Sofa, and he had no desire for Sex.

it makes me feel so unloved, I am full of self-doubt and will always be dissatisfied in the relationship. How can it be that my friend creates better themselves, instead of going to sleep with me? I have raised this issue several times, but he just says that it has nothing to do with me and he doesn’t know himself why he’s doing that.

you Have a Tipp for me, how should I deal with this Situation?

thanks in advance!


Dorothea B.

love, Dorothea B.,

I can understand that you are confused and upset because your friend hardly any sexual interest in them – on the contrary, it even rejects. And it is a serious warning sign that you have the feeling that he is to have Sex only “down” when it comes time to do so.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? the please Write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). the fact that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on published.

It is difficult to understand why your friend clearly desire to feel and be sexually active, but do not want to share with you, but as a result of frequent self-satisfaction of acting it out. Your friend does not understand the reason, apparently, understand it, and quite frankly, don’t understand I it at all. I have some guesses, but so I can be absolutely wrong.

to satisfy It may be that your friend has developed a habit over the years, themselves. Maybe because he was Single, or because he did not want to commit to a woman. However, it is also possible that your friend is excited at the Masturbation of ideas, he does not want to communicate to you. Maybe he is on a different type of woman than you are, or on a different kind of sexuality than he has with them (may be dominant, violent, or under throwing, it could play fetishes a role, maybe he is excited, also from anonymous, non-binding situations, sexually).

no Matter what it is: The main problem is that he is open to them, but the Problem is, this is for you, obviously, noticeably, denied. He claims that everything is in order, tomorrow they would sleep together, and he would not even understand what was going on with him.

you realize that you can’t believe it, and I can understand very well. These arguments are not credible, and it is not a good basis to deny a Problem and to talk to small, if you want to solve it. I think you should take it seriously and look carefully how your Partner treats you and your feelings. And you are also allowed to demand that something changes when this relationship should be continued.

you sexuality is very important, to be loved and accepted to feel. A relationship without this confirmation, is and would continue to be very painful. How would you like it if you tell him that you want to understand what’s going on inside him and, above all, together, a mutually satisfactory solution look like?

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love

I am 44, and sexually inexperienced – how should I start?

Since you can’t make it to the second, you could look for a sex therapist or a sex therapist and her friend questions whether he is ready to go. If he is not willing to do so, I wonder just what kind of future would you see for your relationship. Because without sexuality, and the love and confirmation which could be expressed for you, you can’t live, obviously.

And should you want to change anything. You will be unhappy, if you disconnect your wishes and needs, precisely because sexuality is so important. In this respect, I can only wish you that you stand up for your feelings and your desires, and the denial and consolation no longer a part of it.


Julia Peirano


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here