love Dr. Peirano,
I am writing to you because of a concern that our family is extremely strained. My mother-in-law married in your second marriage an unpleasant and impossible man, you are a bit of an unhappy marriage (this is a different topic). The bad behavior of this man, however, causes every family celebration is a unpleasant ordeal, or litigation ends.
This person leaves no room for other opinions, is Moody and short-tempered. In addition, add to this that he insults my mother-in-law in every other sentence (and this is not exaggerated), humiliated and down the dressing – and in front of all the people. All family members are to adhere to this disgusting behavior more than annoyed, and avoid to meet our family. My husband avoids his mother also more and more, because he can’t stand this stepfather. I’m at each meeting, just trying to put a good face on a bad game and to avoid any escalations.
It is sad and bad enough that my mother-in-law endures this man, but this is your thing. I wonder for a while whether we must tolerate family members of the man’s behavior, quietly and endure, the mother-in-law’s sake, or whether it is our right to meet with the man to be aware of, avoid, or even to raise the word against him.
love Petra T.,
It sounds as if the new Partner of their mother-in-law poisoned the climate in your family and all that have to do with him, the mood spoiled. Especially your mother-in-law seems to be suffering too much to him, if you endured it out of fear of his reaction, that he insulted and devalued.
Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
you Have questions, problems, or heartache? the please Write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). the fact that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on stern.de published.
so Far, the other members of the family have looked the other way affected, or the Situation remained remote. It felt very uncomfortable, and helpless to look away, and wegzuhören, if someone from your circles to be attacked. You all have not perceived accurately, that the Situation is in order and that you feel uncomfortable with your own behavior. But out of fear of an escalation, you have endured all and more than was tolerable.
I think your proposal is good, to fight back. Because when you stay away all of the easy has your mother-in-law no more support and it needs it urgently.
in this respect, I suggest that you first look with her husband, the conversation with your mother-in-law and her clearly say, what you watch, hear and how you feel. Best to concrete examples from recent times to illustrate what it is all about. You can’t tell your mother-in-law then, that you endure the Situation any longer and either your Partner, set clear limits set, or, if you don’t want to, no joint Meetings and celebrations with your Partner, stop.
Then her mother-in-law has the decision in Hand. If you are afraid of the reactions of your partner, if he gets by the family against the wind, you could not decide Yes, for example, to meet him Fixed or invite your family alone, Not to secretly. Since they wouldn’t be the Only one. It will give you to think your safe if your is mirrored in how others experience your Partner has and how unacceptable it is for your family.
If your mother-in-law decide to bring your family and your Partner together, it also means that in the future the borders of the glass are clearly shown.
The husband of her mother-in-law is cross-border and aggressive. He takes up more room than they themselves are entitled to, and this happens at the expense of the other. Just because he does not respect the boundaries of other people and respected, it would be important to mark him again and again, precisely in the Moment in which he does it. A helpful view would be: If he is acting like a badly behaved child, he is treated like a badly behaved child. That is to say: If it exceeds the verbal or physical limits, says to him quite clearly. For example: “Peter, you’re just very devaluating to Susanne.” Or: “Peter, please just let the other excuses.” Or: “It is very dominant, as you fall straight Michael to the word. Everyone should be allowed to represent his opinion.” So just so direct and left, as educators educate in Kindergarten, your child…
J. Peirano: The secret Code of love
to is At home in a bad mood constantly – how are we gonna get out?
such behavior is, of course, be the man your mother-in-law not without resistance added. You and the others in the family have to face strong Protest. But you have a decisive advantage: they are in the Majority and could in solidarity to occur against certain behaviors with him, for example, the devaluation of its partner, threats, aggression, Murder, etc., It is possible that the Partner of your mother-in-law humiliated his wife in order to self-enhance and to stabilize his low self-esteem. When he comes to know that he has no success, but against the wind of a closed group receives, which could cause him to change his behavior in the long run, or the Meeting of their own interest stay away.
It is important that you and the others, act authentically, and for their values. For that, you can use this Situation well!
Warm regards, Julia Peirano