dear Ms. Peirano,

I (39) have the worst taste in men. A used to be a drug addict, then clean, but he took advantage of me and was unreliable. Another always wanted to, that it only went after him, and if I wanted something, there was endless discussions. And in bed he was not at all empathetic. My Ex-husband has let me do all the work and cheated on me.

There were interested in other men for me. Loving, sympathetic, who had power over their lives. But I could never develop real feelings for you.

I have now come to the fact that my Problem with men is related to my mother. My mother is a very difficult and temperamental Person. I learned early to have a glimpse of their anger and to not be quite fond of, so she’s freaking out.

you didn’t hit me, but she could be offended and then disappeared for days in her room, was crying and if I wanted to apologize, she turned her in.

We have lived alone (I am born out of an affair) and I was able to make me then have to eat dinner alone and go to school. I think I was only seven. It moved through my story.

I was in school very well, but my mother has compared my achievements with others. On a reading competition, she said: I was very impressed by Maria, who has read so full of expression. She held me, my cousin, who cares so much for her mother. I’ve made my mother very much. I’ve listened to your Worries (you had what), had cooked for us, much in the household helped, and your birthday and Christmas months before, very many things, or knitted. But it was never enough.

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love

My friend is in love with our neighbor – we can save the relationship yet?

If she was a bad drunk mood, or sometimes, she has accused me of everything she does for me and that I’m ungrateful and selfish. I never knew why. To this day, I don’t know what I did wrong.

you me is often left in the lurch. If I had a disappointment in Love or a fight with a friend, she said: “Well, you’ll have contributed something. You’re not easy.”

If I made too much for school or later for the University, it has driven me more. I said, I’m overworked and need a holiday since you came in and said that I could drive it then Yes to the doctor and shopping when I have free and nothing to do.

I’ve always noticed that my mother is unlike other mothers. Colder, less loving. You could pack the criticism always subliminally: “Your hair looks much better now, this old-fashioned cut, you always had”. If I asked you for help or with your time on my problems and wanted to talk, she said: “I’m so poor, I can.”

you had me in the worst situations of my life just hanging When I had a miscarriage, she brought with a great gesture of flowers to the hospital, then told only of themselves and their problems. Later, when I have enough time, she told me then that she does everything for me and me after my miscarriage so comforted.

I’m done with her. From time to time, I distance myself from her and we then have 1-2 years less contact. Then it goes me much better. And finally she comes back and is very dear to me, we can be familiar with talk about our past, she cooks my favorite food, and then I’ll wrap it up. Especially when it is not running with the men so (as almost always), I’m then back to my mother. And then the old game starts again.

It’s wearing me down so terribly. And I have a great fear will never find a good man, because I’m so bent out of shape.

What do you advise me?

Kati T.

love Kati T.,

This is a terrible story you tell me of yourself and your mother! It sounds as if you have learned that you are never good enough, no matter what you do.

you have tried, apparently, to their mother, but she has not perceived, but through a distorted lens.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? the please Write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). the fact that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on published.

children need lots of love and recognition, to grow into self-confident people. Parents should not have to be as objective as a Jury in a competition. It is not your job to say who has the read aloud or played the piano. Your task is to help her own child and promote it to a capacity enthusiastic to look at and say: “Great, you did it! I’m proud of you!” And if the performance was not quite so great, may you comfort the child or clarify the areas in which it really something you want to make (maybe not in math, but in art).

And if the child could improve something, it would be important to give a clear Reflection and to identify exactly what you expect. For example: It is a pity that you do little for the school. I want you to sit down for an hour each day to your homework.

your mother has you as a small, confused malleable child with your own expectations and your criticism completely. You have taken on for small children too much responsibility, but your mother has not reflected that it is enough and that they’re selfish. This has laid the foundations to ensure that they could also later as adults by their partners in this exploit n. But, as you should know the correct dimension? Especially since her mother was apparently the only person.

your mother was apparently never satisfied with them, and they are not placed in roles that are for children healthy: The Comforter, the housekeeper, the partner set. If it was bad, wasn’t your mother on your side and it has strengthened and supported. Self-esteem arises when you have difficulties and the parents say: “It is ok, how your teacher treated you. As we defend ourselves.” Or: “I think you deserve a friend that can help you and for you is.”

But their mother has taught them, that the blame always lies with you, no matter what goes wrong. And she has explained to you what your supposed errors are now. They were “difficult, ungrateful, and selfish”. With a judgment you can customize just even more and even more for others to do.

but It would be important that your mother reflected you correctly and tell you what exactly was being selfish and how you can improve it. And you say, what have you done all things well.

It is always difficult, from the distance of a suspected diagnosis to pronounce, but I tell you what I suspect. It sounds as if your mother is either strong narcissist has traits or a narcissistic personality disorder has. For daughters, their mothers, a Narcissist is, it is incredibly important to know. I have this suspected diagnosis.

would be My recommendation to you, in peace and with the support of a psychotherapist (trained in behavioural therapy or depth psychology therapy) to understand the clinical picture of narcissism and to form a judgement about whether your mother is affected.

A great place to start is the book: “Will I ever be good enough? Healing for daughters of narcissistic mothers” by Karyl McBride. Karyl McBride is a psychotherapist and has itself suffered from a narcissistic mother. It is exactly the different manifestations of narcissistic mothers, and the criteria by which one makes narcissism festival.

Strong criticism of the daughters, the feeling of warmth and love, lack of support in emotional areas, Twisting the truth, never apologize, and a powerful circle around themselves and their own needs to the core characteristics.

If you determine together with your therapist that your mother really has a narcissistic personality disorder, describes Karyl McBride the process of healing in your book. First strong grief over the Suffering come in, as a rule, in Childhood and anger at the mother.

I have experienced in the therapies often affected daughters wanted their mother to move to the end of the world or the devil will get you. It will be a lot of crying, and raged. This process can take years, but it is essential for a stable sense of self-worth.

It can be solved by the strong emotions the nervous connections were incorrectly wired. For example: “You’re ungrateful”. This results in a healthy wiring is to the emotional and mental processing, and the undistorted Reflection of the therapist: “I’ve done much too much for my mother. She has me in need of emotional abuse and I have every right to be angry at you.”

It is a very strenuous process, but also very healing. And at the end of this path you will find a Form, with her mother deal with it. Many patients break off contact completely, others have a “civil” contact with clearly defined boundaries (e.g., “I will take no criticism of my mother”).

But is the reward that is parallel to the processing of the emotional abuse, the image of couple relationships is changing. If you draw clear boundaries to their mother, to be the boundaries to partners clear. Then you are able to find yourself a man who treats you with love and respect.

It is a long and arduous path, but it is extremely rewarding and liberating.

I wish you all the best for this!


Julia Peirano


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