Hello Ms. Peirano,
In our home for years in a bad mood. My husband is upset because of trifles, and sometimes snaps. Can it be that we are not stuck in a traffic jam, the lawn mower starts is equal to that of a child, don’t dawdle… And he scolds or is grumpy and barely talks. I have the feeling that I have to constantly balance, and between him and the children. My husband works a lot and comes home late (master painter). So we have very little time to entertain us, and if he has orders, he connected on the phone shortly. When he comes home, is always something to do or discuss. My husband is often not really there, you have to ask him things several times. He laughs a little (he used to be very funny) and is lost in thought. This is also noticed by the children, and I feel bad, because I realize that the relationship with your dad is bad. The children are 2, 4 and 7.
I have asked my husband many times why he is in such a bad mood, but there’s no right answer. I miss how he used to be. We are evening out again, met with friends, talked a lot and laughed. But he is a changed man. What can I do to get to him?
thank you, Nina P,
love, Nina P.,
It sounds as if you suffer from the “overloaded family with small children syndrome”. In the Phase in which the children are small and a lot of attention and care need, life is a bit like trying to cover a table with a small table cloth. It pulls to the left and covers the left half of the table is to the right of the table blank. Then pull to the right and to the left, it is not enough. And, of course, it may not be enough, because the table cloth is too small.
Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
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I can imagine that in your family, both are under a lot of pressure. Her husband apparently works very much, and right after work he comes into the family, and it made demands on him. “Spend time with your children”. “Look again, about the math homework of the daughter”, “Go to the parents evening at the nursery”, “Repair the faucet to him the garden”, “Think talk to your wife”, “drag a couple of crates of drinks to the home” and for the Grand finale: “that the parents-in-law to come on the weekend.”
Even if these claims and expectations are not expressed openly, know your man, what would he have to do everything. And the never-ending stream of Work makes him in a bad mood. For your husband it would be the best remedy, if he had some time every day for alone, and also a free day or a free weekend. Best outside of the family, because otherwise, the broken-down speaks outdoor water faucet or the requirements of the children however, the rest of the day and you can’t switch off and just focus on themselves.
Also, for them, life just seems to be very demanding: you have a man who brings the money home, but rarely as is, and if so, he is mentally absent. They mediate between him and the children and not worry about the contact between children and father, and between you and your man is as beautiful as you want it. And, of course, you have to make the whole household and the care of the children. This is, as I said, a barrel without a bottom, and quite exhausting.
Also, you need time for yourself, and also the Best off of the family.
I would recommend you to talk with your man and not to mention the issue bluntly: We are both really ourselves, because we are constantly in the role of Parent. We each need time for ourselves. And then it would be good to look sporty in the calendar and to-free evenings and free weekends for everyone to view, as well as to arrange when everyone can have in everyday life a break. The weekends and the evenings should already be listed, so everyone can plan. The free times in between, could you arrange for perhaps (you’re doing with the kids for dinner, then you are free. I’ll put the kids to bed) or on demand (You can lay down for a while, I’m going out with the children. You can do that, then tomorrow afternoon, then I have a break?).
J. Peirano: The secret Code of love
I can not build a trust – my previous experience to be bad
I think that it is really important not to actively fight against it, if you have a bad Conscience, because the life of your family is so perfect as you can imagine it (happy parents something to do, with cheerful children). What you feel is completely normal and totally understandable! Keep in mind, what you do for the children! In the vast majority of families, one can observe that the mood drops, if the parents can not come to yourself and rest or recharge your batteries.
you have to Think consciously about what wishes and needs you have every man for himself, and make a list. 1. Priority: I would like to drink once a sleep in, coffee in bed, and no child in the bed find. 2. Priority: I want to go with a girlfriend to the cinema and eating out. 3. Priority: I would like to go alone to Yoga and afterwards not at home to rush, because the kids are already in bed … etc.
your husband should also make such a list for himself to get back access to his or her needs. And of course, it is due to the scarce Tischtuchs so that you can get in their Phase only the most important needs are met. With three children, work, perhaps even building a house, etc. the time is now not time to meet all the needs to live at your personal leisure. But it is an important Signal to you that they care about a little cake to cut. At some point it will of even easier, if your children are bigger. With teenagers, it is often the case that the spend most of your time with your friends.
And of course, you could write down also the time with the family, or to a second of conscious planning and the desires and needs for the weekend: I would like to make with the big daughter alone a bike ride. Or: I would like to go to the forest Playground, and then there,
I come hope… that you are the personal leisure again soon relaxed, and the mood improves.
Warm regards, Julia Peirano