dear Ms. Peirano,
in case of conflicts, punish me, my Partner, often with love or even contact deprivation. We are both over 40, so no more children and live separately. In his family it is like this: After a quarrel, or simply after a conflict to speak to each other for a while – sometimes for several months!! – not more. And no-one seems to be so unhappy!
makes Me something crazy!!
My mother has punished me sometimes, and the more I was hurt and it showed, the more hurt she was. It seems to me that this fact makes me all the more sensitive to the behavior of my friend’s way, because that’s exactly how I feel again…
I can’t stand it most of the time, with someone I don’t love to talk, and do everything they can to smooth the waves. It goes so far that I operate in such situations in everyday life is hardly normal!
For one thing, I think sometimes, “harmony”, but on the other hand, I can’t deal with withdrawal of love just for me too much hurt…
do you Have any advice for me? And as a sensitive man who loves me and can respond in an almost trivial conflict situations to me so cold?
dear Margrit S.,
I can imagine that it’s bothering you, after a quarrel so cold punished! And for several weeks or months!
It is quite another thing when one runs after a dispute only once, to collect himself and calm down. For a couple of hours! That would be an Act according to the Motto: “I’m just really pissed off. Only times I go to a friend /Jogging, but we’re talking tonight once again in peace!”
So, an amicable arrangement is not even positive, as it is said in the heat of the moment things or does things that you regret later.
Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
you Have questions, problems, or heartache? the please Write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).
your friend, however, weeks is beyond or months. He must have been after a short time, long since calmed down. So the question is why he remains at a distance. Probably to show you that he is not dependent on you. He seems to live quite well, while it demoralizes them and weakens. And in the end, you then come to him and offer him everything to get back in touch with him. Have you ever thought that your friend carries a power struggle with you, you have due to your life history clearly the worse cards in the Hand?
happened to them, the cold Punishment through withdrawal of love already with her mother, in the Childhood when you were dependent on your love and care. That must have been awful. Unfortunately, it is so, that you have been looking for a Partner who hurt you in all the sensitive Places of her Childhood – exactly where the skin is already thin.
And you slip as if on a bridge (you called the affect bridge) in your Childhood and a little girl who is ignored by the mother and, therefore, in great fear feels to be back. You feel just so small and helpless, even though you are a grown woman. That happens to many people without a childhood working experience, which can be activated by similar situations again.
why do you think you have been looking for a Partner, the abstraft them in exactly the same way your mother did it? Often the Drama that you have experienced as a child behind such a life partner, (to get, e.g., alcoholic father, cold mother) as an adult in the handle. But, unfortunately, they get nothing in the handle, but will be significantly weakened in their self-esteem.
Actually, it is me on the tongue, to advise you to leave this man, because he is good for you. You may feel dependent, and, in time, and many other phases of love withdrawal, you will be only a shadow of its former self.
but I think that it is very difficult for them to leave their Partner. You now feel dependent on him. Maybe you can put him a clear Ultimatum and tell him: If You ignore me after an argument once again more than half a day, it is one and for all of us?
do you Have Friends that can support you on this path? I can imagine that your Friends beat the hands over the head about the behaviour of your friend, and you already have to leave.
Otherwise, it would be important to get therapeutic help. Unfortunately, you have to wait particularly long to get treatment, but you may have luck in a consultation?
I very much hope that you manage to fight back against the behavior of your friend. Whether you need to separate from him, the future will show.