Hello Ms. Peirano,

I’m 28 and live with my parents. It is very embarrassing that is to admit. I tell only my closest Friends. Actually, I should have done it 28 times, to stand on their own legs, to find a husband and to start slowly with a family.

And I? ‘ve actually only my Job. I am working as a Bank clerk. And then I’m going to my parents in my old bedroom, and I withdraw. My parents are Greeks, and orthodox, and my father has Parkinson’s disease. My mother is a very anxious person, you see only the Negative. She’s afraid that I’m at the wrong man. When I go out in the evening, she checks what I’m wearing, whether I smell like smoke and when I come home. Often I sleep in on the weekend with a friend, because to me the questions to my mother steals the last energy.

Then my mother holds me, which are my cousins are all married and have children. Your window sill is full of family pictures. Only in Greece (in the village) is the one with the getting Married is much easier than here, they all know each other and also to hook up with sometimes of friends.

I have only had one experience with a man (no Sex), that was only for a short 4 years ago. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do to get a man. Since a year I am looking for an apartment, the prices very frustrating. My father expects me again and again that my money will not be enough to live alone. It is distressing to me total.

The mood at home is very bad. My parents argue a lot and about nothing, my father often watches TV and turns the television on loud because he is hard of hearing. My mother actually has no life of its own in addition to their work, and she complains a lot.

How can I get it, finally on its own two feet?


Elena V.

dear Elena,

I can’t imagine how depressing it must be, to live 28 years with their parents. Especially because you imagine the life is actually quite different.

In them are set to collide as a child of immigrants, very different and partly incompatible value systems.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? the please Write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page). the fact that a request and its answer may also be anonymised and on stern.de published.

In Greece, in the Generation of their parents, it was expected that most of the time the woman became a virgin in the marriage. Marry was at the village for all of the normal, and most of the time you got married young. They are, however, some 30 years younger than their parents and grew up in Germany. Here, it is common that you are standing on your own two feet, perhaps studied, an apartment or a WG with peers and also the one or the other Partner may try. Before you consider, then, whether you marry, live or still lives separately, whether you have children (one or more fathers), and with whom.

in Order to be self-employed, you must isolate himself from his parents. This usually happens in puberty: The parents are stuffy and shit, it is due to everything and everyone with them and expands their own game rooms. Who has the behind, has drawn a clear boundary between himself and his parents. One thing is clear: anyone Who wants to find yourself, you must be allowed to try out, and it happened, of course, some errors.

A girl left with 24 of their first friend, and get to know other men. You had a different Partner (a very erotic, exciting relationship, but also with infidelity, in its turn,) and returned after two years to her first boyfriend, with whom she now has three children.

Other housing for a period of time to be very alternative, not to make too much of the domestic duties and instead, every night in some Club. And after a time you will find out how much rest and how much going Out you doing really well.

A friend of mine had, for a time, 3-4 Girlfriends in parallel, until he exhausted noted that, for him, a woman. And so he holds it until today.

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love

My sister-in-law is cold to your Baby – should I interfere?

I have the impression that you make very high demands on themselves and expect that they will have to cope with living Alone. I think, however, that you can have quiet time, to see what works right off the bat and what not. Maybe you feel in between, in a separate apartment alone, but then you think of something, how come more people.

Maybe your money is really not enough time , but then you can solve as a Bank clerk, the.

you may not catch the perfect apartment, but then you can move still.

I think that’s the pessimistic way of thinking of your parents take all the Wind out of the sails, and the problems bigger than they really are. Actually, it should be the task of their parents, to encourage them.

however, I fear that your parents have very strong self-interested reasons, to intimidate and to keep thus. You can see it so that your parents have very much support and consolation from the fact that you still live with them. If you were away, would have to take care of her mother alone her father, the two of you were apart from each other, no contact, and the whole scenario would be extremely bleak and dreary.

you actually Have feelings of guilt, to leave their parents themselves? I do not mean that your feelings of guilt are justified. But it s a that your parents see it that way, that it is actually your task is to take care of in their old age. That would make the Loosening of course, very difficult.

How would you like it if you try it in very small steps? Calculate, how much an apartment or a room is likely to cost. Then hire an apartment or a room and spend only a few hours, an evening or a weekend there. The Rest of the time they are with their parents, so that you can feel both worlds and compare them.

you Have a very independent friend that can help you in setting up with you some time in the new apartment, spends, and you specifically told how the only way to look life in your mid 20’s?

Maybe you can —be made only once, with the weekends and your holidays ‘practicing’: Go with a friend or a travel group for Singles in a place you always wanted to travel. You can spend a weekend in a different city and try out what you like and what not. Also the trains the autonomy.

What are your wishes or dreams that are associated with living Alone are? For example: a wall of pink paint. A whole weekend with a girlfriend to spend without control questions of their parents. Three Girlfriends to a boil invite. A handsome man to bring…

you can also imagine exactly how exactly would your life be if you’ll be in 10 years, still with their parents. What do you look like then? Which direction the corners of your mouth? How is your mood? What physical symptoms do you have? How does your day off (father care, mother, cheer up…). And how do you do, when you visit your Friends who have children?

it is also Important that you keep in mind that you can most probably learn to no man to know, as long as you still live with your parents, and so unhappy. Their plans for the future and starting a family depends very much of whether you now stand on your own two feet and be a good Partner.

I very much hope that you will manage it soon to find an apartment and go from there, in bold steps in an independent life.


Julia Peirano


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